Warning: Intense Navel Gazing Ahead

Note to self: Don’t write something at 1:30am and expect it to make any sense. Major clarifications and edits complete.

All right…. I’m going to get much more personal than I ever wanted to get on this blog. I just don’t want to turn it into navel gazing fest, which I have a total propensity to do. (Hell, maybe it already is. Half of me has a really big ego, the other half is insecure as a mouse. Go figure.)

I asked the I Blame the Patriarchy forum community if they could give me any guidance or useful resources in terms of how I could get where I would like to go career wise. I got a lot of useful advice, but the one that was stressed the most was international work experience. And then someone suggested the Peace Corp. The suggestion has really forced me to face some things that have been brimming and niggling at the back of my mind.

Some background. I’ve always felt that I need to go somewhere, do something “crazy,” something abroad, and “out of character” to break a mold. Perhaps it is not immediately evident, but there’s a low strain of anxiety that very often dictates both my every day and long term actions. I actively seek to avoid “what if” situations that might be even slightly stressful. The unknown and change are two things that completely ratchet up this anxiety.

The more I’ve been forced to face it, the more frustrating it’s become. It’s difficult to realize just how ruled by anxiety you are. It’s in the little things, from the difficult lefts I might have to make while driving (which make me nervous until completed safely, or sometimes so nervous I will avoid them altogether - though that’s a rarity) to actually planning my daily life around avoiding these little stressors completely. And this type of thinking extends to major life avenues that I deem closed to me, not because they are, but simply because I view them as a sheer impossibility. It seems a little ridiculous. I’m still a little damn shocked as I examine the thought patterns I spend energy on every day and realize how limiting and fearful they are.

And so often I have tried to force myself to do things that I do not want to do, in the name of vanquishing this anxiety-that-I-have-never-copped-to-out-loud only to chicken out at the last second and cause much more trouble if I just hadn’t forced myself in the first place. One thing I have learned - if I don’t want to do something in my life, I WILL get out of it.

So….. In a quick evaluation of my options, the Peace Corp seems like an incredible opportunity. They pay you enough that you can survive and your school loans are deferred during your volunteering. It is practical, on the ground experience in international development with the added bonus of language immersion. Other programs expect you to pay them for your experience and I will still be expected to take care of things like loan payments and travel costs. My savings is barely enough to cover the programs I’ve been looking at, let alone extra costs. At the same time, they are much shorter and you can often choose where you want to go. The Peace Corp, on the other hand, is a solid two years living in a country that will be chosen for you. I’d like to think this is what really freaks me out about it so much, but at the same time it is foolish not to recognize that there are other underlying problems.

And yet, it seems clear that forcing this is not a very smart thing to do. At the same time, to let the acute anxiety of being outside of my comfort zone close doors to experiences that could be incredibly rewarding (if I just got the hell over it) would be really shameful.

And I can’t help but wonder about my motivations. Am I trying to force myself into these things to try and become the person I’ve always envisioned I would be - the competent, fearless, tough woman who would have the answer to every situation - or am I just trying to get at the person I am under these issues? I sometimes feel like I’m trying to outrun something that can’t be. That I am trying to get rid of the depression through a trial by fire.

So I’ll tell people that I’m thinking about applying to the Peace Corp, or that I’d like to work in international development and go to countries that may need something I can offer. I’ll talk with bravado as if it’s not a big deal and that it’s something tangible in my future. But in the end, it all just feels like compensation. I don’t really believe any of it.

Realistically, I know that I’m not always going to be a competent, fearless person with the answer to every situation. At the same time, I’d love to be one of those people who will pack up and do these kinds of things with an open mindedness, determination and mettle that I just don’t seem to have.

Posted in General | 3 Comments »